The path to success seems well-marked—mapped by skill, hard work, and perseverance—and positivity keeps the way clear. But maintaining the right attitude, especially when plans backfire or things don’t go well, proves most challenging for some people. Like me.
Positivity isn’t my knee-jerk reaction to anything. Writing this blog post, for example. It’s already put me in a bad mood. How can I write about positivity when I am not a positive person? It’s one of my greatest personal battles, one I fight most days. But if I win, good things happen. Supposedly.
Over the last twenty-plus years of trying to be a successful writer, good things happening has been the exception, not the rule.
And often, good things end up being… well, huge disappointments.
- Like manuscript requests from agents (yay!) ending in rejection later (boo!).
- Or like a small publishing company saying yes (yay!) only to discover after the book’s release that you’re stuck in a nonbeneficial relationship (boo!).
- Or like finally realizing the dream of full-time writing (yay!) only to glance at the calendar—it’s been seven years?!?—and you’re still earning nothing from your efforts (boo!).
Is it okay to go back to bed now? Geez.
The more things don’t work out the way I’ve hoped, the more elusive positivity becomes. And honestly, some days, the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I’ve committed so much already… The income I could have from a real job… Decades of effort… Money toward self-publishing, editing, and blogging… My identity. Giving up now would mean absolute defeat and admitting that all I’ve done until now has been a waste. My weak ego wouldn’t withstand the blow.
Besides, it’s an illusionist’s trick, trying to convince yourself, “I can still make it” when it’s been so long, and I haven’t made it yet. It’s like masking tiny bits of cauliflower into your spaghetti sauce so your kids’ll eat more vegetables, and they notice something’s off immediately. “This doesn’t taste right.” Since positive thinking goes against my nature anyway, telling myself it’ll all be okay is like manufacturing hope in a subpar factory with gremlins in the machines. It doesn’t come out right. The magic of a positive attitude feels lost on me.
But I want the magic. I’d cut through most of my emotional red tape if I could believe in myself and think optimistically for my future. I could totally remodel my brain with the mental space that’d free up!
And there’s scientific truth to that weird analogy…
We’re all equipped with a “negativity bias.” We notice and dwell on the bad stuff more than the good. For survival, we identify threats and block out the rest of the world to keep our attention on what could hurt us. Meant to be a fear response, our “negativity bias” spreads where it doesn’t belong, contaminating everything. That’s why when we have a problem, we can barely think of anything else. The problem takes center stage and usually gives an overdramatic performance.
But while negativity steals our focus, positivity opens us up. Research by Barbara Frederickson at UNC, as reported by James Clear, explains that “when you are experiencing positive emotions like joy, contentment, and love, you will see more possibilities in your life… positive emotions broaden your sense of possibility and open your mind up to more options.”
And even better, according to Frederickson’s “broaden and build” theory, this “allows you to build new skills and resources that can provide value in other areas of your life.”
That is, positivity has long-term benefits, like better health and a happier mood, whereas negativity rarely helps anything (unless you’re running for your life). And for me, that only happens to characters in my books.
Positivity also affects success.
I’m guilty of believing I’ll be happy once I succeed in writing.
But Frederickson’s research argues that “happiness is essential to building the skills that allow for success. In other words, happiness is both the precursor to success and the result of it. In fact, researchers have often noticed a compounding effect or an “upward spiral” that occurs with happy people. They are happy, so they develop new skills, those skills lead to new success, which results in more happiness, and the process repeats itself.”
Yikes, does that mean my bad attitude has prevented my success all along?
Maybe. A million factors play into writing success (at least it feels like a million), so blaming it all on my negativity seems too easy (and unfair). But the point is that positivity can’t hurt. It can only help. And I need more of it in my life, no matter how challenging it is to cultivate.
And that’s why I’m devoting a section of my blog to it, forcing myself into positive writing, which Frederickson claims is one of three ways to increase positivity. The other two are meditation and play. I plan to do more of those, too.
P.S. James Clear, the author of this article on Frederickson’s research, also wrote Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. I recommend it for anyone looking for positive change in their lives. More about James Clear here.
My longing for positivity pops up in my novels, subconscious bunnies peeeking up over the tall grass of my stories.
And I’m always stupidly surprised to see them manifest in my books. Duh, I wrote them—some of me is bound to get in. But strangely, the deep, psychological stuff is rarely obvious to me until after many rewrites and tiny truths emerge. Like…
In Odd-a-Sea, the fifth and final book in my Delilah Duffy series, she tells Sam, “Shakespeare wrote that what’s done is done, only to me, it seems the past is never done with us. The pain keeps going if we let it. The past is truly done only when it stops hurting us.”
Delilah’s words apply to me, too. Much of my negativity comes from holding on to past mistakes and disappointments, making me think that my failures are a broken record, stuck on repeat. And that’s faulty thinking.
Faulty thinking comes up in my pandemic romance One Thing Better. The main character, Lena, is trying to get her life back together after three years of caring for her mom and the trauma of losing her. Her new friend Ben tell hers about his struggle with dyslexia in middle school. “I was ashamed, frustrated about my inadequacy—faulty thinking, I realized later.”
When he assures her that she’s not her circumstances, she thinks, “But that’s how I feel—broke, jobless, house poor, hanging on by a weak, fraying thread. Sure, there’s more to me than problems, but it’s hard to get past them, too. And what’s left, well, doesn’t feel like enough. Then, I imagine child-Ben struggling with something he couldn’t control and certainly didn’t make him less-than. Even now, facing discrimination over a war injury could make him bitter and angry. But Ben is more than his circumstances. They’re merely footnotes to his beautiful existence. So, maybe my self-image is faulty thinking, too.”
A faulty self-image wrecks positivity. How can you feel positive with so many (imagined) strikes against you? But we give our emotions too much importance. Feelings are secondary to actions.
Lena goes on to ask Ben how she might speed up her recovery. And in his short and sweet way, he answers, “By doing what makes you happy and hanging out with me as much as possible.”
I am doing what makes me happy. A full-time writing life. Spending my day with my imaginary friends and idea-fairies. Keeping a fun, loving household. And sharing my writing ideas, motivation, and positivity with whoever needs them. Being present in that reality brings positivity. And I’m going to wrangle that elusive beast like my success depends on it (because maybe, it does).
Besides, I’m an expert now. At least according to Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000-hour rule, described in his book Outliers: The Story of Success. He explains that to achieve mastery in any skill, one needs to practice for at least 10,000 hours. Forty hours per week for fifty weeks a year means five years. In writing, I surpassed that milestone ages ago. I must be at Expert Master Supreme, Grand Poobah by now (or something like that), and since I’m already the What-If Queen, the extra titles fit.
Fighting negativity has been a lifelong struggle. And working on this blog will challenge me to keep putting in the hours towards expertise at that, too.
So far, my positive writing has manifested through some unique topics.
Three blogs center around Christmas, maybe because it’s an anxious time with so much to do.
- Positive Change: Christmas Cookie Mayhem – I’ve never loved baking Christmas cookies more than the year I didn’t bake at all.
- Easy Gifts for Less Holiday Stress – No pressure shopping, there’s something for everyone on this list.
- Being Positive at Christmas – On Christmas trees and keeping the love real.
On General Positivity, I felt my mood boost with these blogs:
- Staying Positive: Regaining Focus in Negativity – Snakes versus butterflies?
- How to Stay Positive When Things Go Awry – Have some poetry with your positivity. This one takes me back to my teaching days.
- Feeling Happy in the Garden – I’ve earned no expert status here, but find joy in it anyway.
- How We Sabotage Good Things: Don’t Hate on Black Cats – A favorite blog on how our attitudes could hold us back.
Random How-Tos that hit close to home:
- How to Boost Productivity & Happiness in Five Minutes – So many tasks are smaller than we think.
- 100 Small Ways to Celebrate for Better Health & Happiness – We don’t celebrate enough.
- Help for Headaches: 15 Tips to Fight (& Get Back to Writing) – I get these… a lot.
In Sea-Devil, the first book of Delilah’s series, she quotes Emily Dickinson: “I dwell in possibility.” A simple hope for something better pushed Delilah into starting her life over in a new place and overcoming the obstacles stacked against her. (She had no idea things would get worse, and worse, and yes, even worse, before they got better—cue villainous cackling). Even so, she never gave up. And the rewards were… well, you’ll have to read through to the fifth book to find out.
Mirroring the same positivity I insist upon in my leading characters will lead to more good things for me, too. With time. And grit. And maybe a little magic.
If you struggle with positivity or have tips to share, leave a comment.
For more positive vibes and stuff about writing, check out my blog. Or my website if you’re curious about my books (self-published authors need all the love they can get!). Get Sea-Devil for free if you sign up!
